It’s late but that is not something unusual.. what changed is the valence that time got in her mind, and the points of reference that she had regarding it like those sticks from the water that anchor boats, the ropes which kept her tied to the earth that are torn now.. and she was loose, like a fly in an hurricane.. everything was changed and seen in different pallets of shades and hues and colours and fragrances.. or not seen at all, covered by the sticky bloody sweet wounds smiling in the sun..

I no longer feel like that ball which Is trapped in the most definite cube and that is bumping consequently into all the 4 corners, hitting itself against them.. with the label appearing on top: you have crashed another system mandatory repair in demand.. there is no mechanic to fix anything. Is just me, and I am not good at fixing anything not even a light bulb. They all crash in my hands, with that poking sound and the emptiness that remains after them.. remember how once I was able to break even 6 ?

“No I am sorry, I cannot change anything this is who I am now“, said the little voice in her head, disappointed but relaxed in the same time, knowing that she will have to accept it in the end.. but the other one replied firmly and strongly.. “the change has already been done, you only have to see it now and act accordingly.. all your choices have been done long before you were born, but at last you will have to let go you only changed in your own mind, the skin on the peach, the drawing in the sand and the dew in the grass, but that didn’t change the taste the waves and the wind“.. but she started to hum softly with her eyes closed the lyrics that kept coming to her head like waterfalls.. ”you’ve got this strange effect on me, and I like it.. you make my world seem right..” and the voice faded in the darkness of her own world, not being able to hear anything anymore trapped in her own incompetence powerless and helpless to restore the winds in the broken crystal ball..

“I’m going to sleep”.. she said to both of them, sighting and wiping her eyes slowly like an old lady wiping the dust from the shelf.. thinking of how she is going to replace all the missing light bulbs from her past leaving behind a gentle mutter.. ”…you make my world seem bright..”

This strange effect

24 martie

A deschis un ochi alene in semi-intuneric imbratisand perna moale si simtind lumina mica intrand pe dunga subtire de geam care nu fusese acoperit, gadilandu-i privirea. Simtea un mare gol in stomac si o mare tristete, numele lui pe buzele ei, cum l-a soptit in somn.. cum l-a strigat sa o ia in brate.. si cum a strans asternutul rece si alb in locul mainii lui calde.

A deschis un ochi alene in semi-intuneric imbratisand perna moale si simtind lumina mica intrand pe dunga subtire de geam care nu fusese acoperit, gadilandu-i privirea. A vazut placa calda de lemn maroniu inchis cu care era bordat peretele.. si vacutele lipite de ea pentru a-i insenina ziua. Niciodata nu s-a uitat la ele cu atentie, le lipise, pentru momentul “cand va”. Prima din ele statea culcata pe spate cu o copita sub cap si rodea un trifoi cu trei foi, iar ochii din plastic mobili ii erau cazuti in jos ca si cand ar fi privit-o. Si-a trecut un deget pe muchia ingusta de lemn curatand-o de praf, simtindu-se atat de bine intr-o camera care nu era a ei.

A deschis un ochi alene in semi-intuneric imbratisand perna moale si simtind lumina mica intrand pe dunga subtire de geam care nu fusese acoperit, gadilandu-i privirea. Si-a ridicat incet capul privind mormanul alb din patul vecin care scancea usor in somn, si s-a intins inapoi zambind in cuibul ei cald..

A deschis un ochi alene imbratisand perna moale si simtind lumina intrand pe dunga subtire de geam care nu fusese acoperit de perdea, gadilandu-i privirea. Fulgi mari de nea cadeau jucandu-se in aer iar in spatele perdelii furandu-I privirea, distilati in jumatatea a doua unde geamul se afirma liber de orice constrangere a unei bucati albe prinse de o rama, si care de altfel o si trezise. A strans plapuma alba pana in marginea barbiei acoperind-o doar cu degetele pe marginea ei de sus tinand-o. ce dimineata, si-a soptit incet.. de martie, de luni tarzie de fulgi de nea cu lapte si cozonac de oua fierte si rosii si maieu cazut de pe un umar de pleoape inchise si soapte neauzite si vise traite in lumea fulgilor de nea dintr-o luni de martie.

I am accepting my fate that i will never be like the others. What the others don’t know is that I don’t want to be like them. Not that much that i will change myself radically. I started writing again because I feel like I have something to share with the world.. It might not be new interesting or educative, but it is me NOW. in this very second it this very moment mingling forever with the next one combining into one whole thing.. my life.. i am my own experiment every day. I will either die or win..

All or nothing

And in the end nevertheless the word is the biggest power that you could have anyway, and you don’t even own that one..