the crisis is the only way to get to the next level of consciousness

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Balls balls balls..

I am walking around muttering “balls balls balls “ all day long. I think I’ve become a little curmudgeon toad, the worse part, it suits me..” I think this would be the best phrase to describe the present me without getting in the lexical family of any of the words like paranoid, trustless, depressed or faithless.

The story of how i got here, is long and not very charming so I’ll skip this part leaving it to my own memory and regress, anyway it is not the first, and i am not so lucky to be the last one from my life. The point is , what do you do to make it better or to find the strength to get up again ?

The first thing which I discovered about being alone (again) is that i found myself thinking. Producing ideas, trying to get answers.  I can’t remember when I’ve been questioning my inner brain (because my emotions are under permanent “?”) last time. When i actually managed to produce alexisms here and there and little glimpses of intelligence. Because when you are in a couple you tend to rely too much on other one, to ask the questions to the wrong person(s) because there is always somebody there to support you. So, brain is again under function, even if in a small percent, currently upgrading.

Happiness comes in the small things. We all know that but we always want more, we want the absolute happiness that comes once in a blue moon and we want it now. With cooking skills if possible. Oh damn it I don’t have that and I don’t know when (if) I will get it.. so I must try to enjoy what i have or at least start from  small paces. It shouldn’t be right that after the plague has knocked you down to have nothing to start living again with. But that is only because of my own stupidity because I trust too much and depend on the people I love (loved?). Note to myself: please fall in love when you know you can always return to something, in case that goes bad.

The only thing which will never be taken from you is your mind and the nutriments you had given to it during all this time. So do appreciate any boy who pushes you to study when all you want to do is making up with him, because sooner or later the books will be the only thing to take comfort in and to hug at night. Somebody said in an earlier discussion these days that some people don’t deserve the chance to get out of the routine – our worst enemy. And it made me think even more. Of course nobody says you can get through things just by flipping your fingers i mean – when a girls gotta cry she cries until the end of the days, or the best case – her tears – but what happened with all my dreams i had before ? With all my abilities? Maybe is time to prove something to myself since the music therapy I’ve put myself into doesn’t work anymore.  After 2 weeks of Vonda Shepard’s  “The end of the world”, Goo Goo Dolls “Iris” and other lousy crap I decided to switch reluctantly and sighting hopeless to “Mr. E’s beautiful blues” or “Fresh Feeling” and other songs made to induce you a state of..goodness/wellness. Better say acceptance. It didn’t work almost at all..

Despite all this i am not ready to talk to him again because i know that from the first “hello” all my tryings will be ruined, just like a shallow castle of cards. Having in mind some elementary general truths which I lacked of before, doesn’t make me  strong, independent or emotionally inaccessible. And hell, i have a big problem with emotions. And so far my remedies among which are top listed getting –myself- tired-by-staying- up- all- night- so- i- can- fall- asleep- in- the- morning (and have a little nightmare) or lying to myself in all the treacherous ways my mind can find regarding the last cycle from my life finding all those things that i hate, don’t help too much in the end, honestly.. Because i know what i know and she knows what she knows.

I guess nobody takes the pain away and there are no proper words to make you feel better when the catastrophe falls on you. Nobody knows how you feel and there might take a long time to be able to get up again.. but in the end we do do that, even if at night it all may come back to you with the same intensity as it was in the original moment, even if you fall asleep with tears in your eyes.. Nothing lasts forever – that is already known, adjourned and experienced. Not even pain. And i will be waiting for this..

Loneliness is good.

(Balls, who am i fooling around here..?!)


Pienso En Ti – Varios

I miss you so much..

Cine e, cine nu, care eu, care tu?

Poate ca povestea superba incepe atunci cand crezi cel mai putin in dragoste, cand ai fost dezamagit cel mai tare, cand nu mai poti sa privesti desi iti doresti, cand vezi o mana intinsa spre tine si ti-e frica sa o atingi.. cand stii ca nu se poate si ca vei fi iar dezamagit dar te lasi purtat de mister.. calmul in care te afli, cand nu trebuie sa alergi pentru nimic, cand esti doar tu cu tine si pe care il daruiesti la schimb cu sentimentul in doi.. Bataia intrerupta intre un tic si un tac lasand intre crema dulce a unui zambet timid care se astern in coltul inimii, si valul de intrebari care o spala rapid si care iti incetoseaza mintea..

In noaptea adanca totul e posibil, mereu este liniste si pace dupa tumultul de peste zi,.. poate e nevoie doar de un pic de magie, de putina nezapada insa de multa gheata, de un ceai aromat.. purtat de aripile unui vultur la fel ca si tine..

14 sep

It’s late but that is not something unusual.. what changed is the valence that time got in her mind, and the points of reference that she had regarding it like those sticks from the water that anchor boats, the ropes which kept her tied to the earth that are torn now.. and she was loose, like a fly in an hurricane.. everything was changed and seen in different pallets of shades and hues and colours and fragrances.. or not seen at all, covered by the sticky bloody sweet wounds smiling in the sun..

I no longer feel like that ball which Is trapped in the most definite cube and that is bumping consequently into all the 4 corners, hitting itself against them.. with the label appearing on top: you have crashed another system mandatory repair in demand.. there is no mechanic to fix anything. Is just me, and I am not good at fixing anything not even a light bulb. They all crash in my hands, with that poking sound and the emptiness that remains after them.. remember how once I was able to break even 6 ?

No I am sorry, I cannot change anything this is who I am now“, said the little voice in her head, disappointed but relaxed in the same time, knowing that she will have to accept it in the end.. but the other one replied firmly and strongly.. “the change has already been done, you only have to see it now and act accordingly.. all your choices have been done long before you were born, but at last you will have to let go you only changed in your own mind, the skin on the peach, the drawing in the sand and the dew in the grass, but that didn’t change the taste the waves and the wind“.. but she started to hum softly with her eyes closed the lyrics that kept coming to her head like waterfalls.. ”you’ve got this strange effect on me, and I like it.. you make my world seem right..” and the voice faded in the darkness of her own world, not being able to hear anything anymore trapped in her own incompetence powerless and helpless to restore the winds in the broken crystal ball..

I’m going to sleep”.. she said to both of them, sighting and wiping her eyes slowly like an old lady wiping the dust from the shelf.. thinking of how she is going to replace all the missing light bulbs from her past leaving behind a gentle mutter.. ”…you make my world seem bright..

This strange effect

moment matinal

24 martie

 

A deschis un ochi alene in semi-intuneric imbratisand perna moale si simtind lumina mica intrand pe dunga subtire de geam care nu fusese acoperit, gadilandu-i privirea. Simtea un mare gol in stomac si o mare tristete, numele lui pe buzele ei, cum l-a soptit in somn.. cum l-a strigat sa o ia in brate.. si cum a strans asternutul rece si alb in locul mainii lui calde.

A deschis un ochi alene in semi-intuneric imbratisand perna moale si simtind lumina mica intrand pe dunga subtire de geam care nu fusese acoperit, gadilandu-i privirea. A vazut placa calda de lemn maroniu inchis cu care era bordat peretele.. si vacutele lipite de ea pentru a-i insenina ziua. Niciodata nu s-a uitat la ele cu atentie, le lipise, pentru momentul “cand va”. Prima din ele statea culcata pe spate cu o copita sub cap si rodea un trifoi cu trei foi, iar ochii din plastic mobili ii erau cazuti in jos ca si cand ar fi privit-o. Si-a trecut un deget pe muchia ingusta de lemn curatand-o de praf, simtindu-se atat de bine intr-o camera care nu era a ei.

A deschis un ochi alene in semi-intuneric imbratisand perna moale si simtind lumina mica intrand pe dunga subtire de geam care nu fusese acoperit, gadilandu-i privirea. Si-a ridicat incet capul privind mormanul alb din patul vecin care scancea usor in somn, si s-a intins inapoi zambind in cuibul ei cald..

A deschis un ochi alene imbratisand perna moale si simtind lumina intrand pe dunga subtire de geam care nu fusese acoperit de perdea, gadilandu-i privirea. Fulgi mari de nea cadeau jucandu-se in aer iar in spatele perdelii furandu-I privirea, distilati in jumatatea a doua unde geamul se afirma liber de orice constrangere a unei bucati albe prinse de o rama, si care de altfel o si trezise. A strans plapuma alba pana in marginea barbiei acoperind-o doar cu degetele pe marginea ei de sus tinand-o. ce dimineata, si-a soptit incet.. de martie, de luni tarzie de fulgi de nea cu lapte si cozonac de oua fierte si rosii si maieu cazut de pe un umar de pleoape inchise si soapte neauzite si vise traite in lumea fulgilor de nea dintr-o luni de martie.

solutia

deci.

ori sunt eu “cucu in the head” or chiar e prea mult si cateodata imi vine sa deschid fereastrea, cu perdeaua asta “romantica” cu tot si sa urlu in lumea larga tot ce ma doare. dar apoi ma gandesc cat de ciudat ar fi, as inchide-o cu grija m-as aseza pe pat si m-as simti goala de tot, fara nimic altceva, si cel mai important fara o solutie. si totusi care e solutia? sa analizez tot ce mi se intampla, sa incerc sa prind din zbor simtirile pe care le am, sa le iau de aripioare , depunandu-le in borcanase etichetate si apoi sa stau cu orele cu mainile la obraji incercand sa le patrund intelesul. dar vai, asta ar lua o viata de om.

deci nu e bine. insa in mod cert punctul de climax se apropie din ce in ce mai tare , il simt, il adulmec, ii simt rasuflarea jilava peste ceafa mea, cand voi cadea in genunchi iar “nu mai pot” o sa insemne exact sensul care i-a fost acordat in dictionar, si nu doar o insiruire de 3 cuvinte spuse din cand in cand. si atunci ce am sa fac? am sa innebunesc relativ, caci am facut mici excursii in propiul meu haos, fara sa vreau, in anumite perioade din timpul meu, si pot spune ca nu recomand nici macar mie altele.

si daca raspunsurile mele se afla acolo, si trebuie doar sa ma arunc in gaura neagra plina de voci si fum si ganduri.. si totusi intrebarea cea mai importanta este, daca nu gasesc nimic, cum am sa ma mai intorc inapoi. oh well.. imi doresc din ce in ce mai mult pe zi ce trece acel aparat de inregistrat ganduri si simtitiri, pentru ca nu ma pot prea descurca fara el.. imi trebuie un contor.. iar un carnet langa mine si un pix nu seamana nici pe departe a scribul care ar trebui sa scrie secunde intoarse pentru a prinde tot.. iar daca printr-o minune s-ar intampla.. probabil ca as muri inainte sa apuc sa citesc tot, si sa gasesc.. solutia

o alta zi fara rezolvare

o clipa de miercuri

este uimitor cat de mult depinde de un detaliu care la prima vedere pare nesemnificativ. nu incetez a fi uimita de combinatiile posibile din toata lumea si din fiecare zi, pe care evident nu am cum sa le stapanesc, ci pot doar sa le admir. in grupuri de cate 2, 3 sau de ce nu o gramada. cu cat ai mai multe cu atat e mai colorata clipa, esenta mai parfumata, momentul mai unic. spre exemplu: lumina din tavan intr-o zi de miercuri, usoara innorare de afara intr-o camera pusa pe nord cu prea putina lumina desi e dimineata.. acordurile unei melodii alese aleatoriu, plansele aruncate pe birou.. sau o combinatie de ganduri: vocile de pe culoare ademenindu-te sa le urmezi si sa te alaturi, sendvisul din vis pe care ai putea sa il faci, ochii somnorosi si iarasi..melodia. cred ca aproape tot se regaseste in muzica, rezoneaza in acel acord, in functie de cum ne simtim si se intoarce in inima noastra umplandu-ne de sentiment. si cum se face ca ai chef de scris si filozofat exact cand chiar nu ai timp, cand esti la limita, cand deja stii ca va trebui sa renunti la ceva pentru ca ai fost prea lenes, intr-o dimineata de miercuri.

ma cheama miercuri. pe tine?

Care eu, care tu?..

I am accepting my fate that i will never be like the others. What the others don’t know is that I don’t want to be like them. Not that much that i will change myself radically. I started writing again because I feel like I have something to share with the world.. It might not be new interesting or educative, but it is me NOW. in this very second it this very moment mingling forever with the next one combining into one whole thing.. my life.. i am my own experiment every day. I will either die or win..

All or nothing

And in the end nevertheless the word is the biggest power that you could have anyway, and you don’t even own that one..