“I am walking around muttering “balls balls balls “ all day long. I think I’ve become a little curmudgeon toad, the worse part, it suits me..” I think this would be the best phrase to describe the present me without getting in the lexical family of any of the words like paranoid, trustless, depressed or faithless.
The story of how i got here, is long and not very charming so I’ll skip this part leaving it to my own memory and regress, anyway it is not the first, and i am not so lucky to be the last one from my life. The point is , what do you do to make it better or to find the strength to get up again ?
The first thing which I discovered about being alone (again) is that i found myself thinking. Producing ideas, trying to get answers. I can’t remember when I’ve been questioning my inner brain (because my emotions are under permanent “?”) last time. When i actually managed to produce alexisms here and there and little glimpses of intelligence. Because when you are in a couple you tend to rely too much on other one, to ask the questions to the wrong person(s) because there is always somebody there to support you. So, brain is again under function, even if in a small percent, currently upgrading.
Happiness comes in the small things. We all know that but we always want more, we want the absolute happiness that comes once in a blue moon and we want it now. With cooking skills if possible. Oh damn it I don’t have that and I don’t know when (if) I will get it.. so I must try to enjoy what i have or at least start from small paces. It shouldn’t be right that after the plague has knocked you down to have nothing to start living again with. But that is only because of my own stupidity because I trust too much and depend on the people I love (loved?). Note to myself: please fall in love when you know you can always return to something, in case that goes bad.
The only thing which will never be taken from you is your mind and the nutriments you had given to it during all this time. So do appreciate any boy who pushes you to study when all you want to do is making up with him, because sooner or later the books will be the only thing to take comfort in and to hug at night. Somebody said in an earlier discussion these days that some people don’t deserve the chance to get out of the routine – our worst enemy. And it made me think even more. Of course nobody says you can get through things just by flipping your fingers i mean – when a girls gotta cry she cries until the end of the days, or the best case – her tears – but what happened with all my dreams i had before ? With all my abilities? Maybe is time to prove something to myself since the music therapy I’ve put myself into doesn’t work anymore. After 2 weeks of Vonda Shepard’s “The end of the world”, Goo Goo Dolls “Iris” and other lousy crap I decided to switch reluctantly and sighting hopeless to “Mr. E’s beautiful blues” or “Fresh Feeling” and other songs made to induce you a state of..goodness/wellness. Better say acceptance. It didn’t work almost at all..
Despite all this i am not ready to talk to him again because i know that from the first “hello” all my tryings will be ruined, just like a shallow castle of cards. Having in mind some elementary general truths which I lacked of before, doesn’t make me strong, independent or emotionally inaccessible. And hell, i have a big problem with emotions. And so far my remedies among which are top listed getting –myself- tired-by-staying- up- all- night- so- i- can- fall- asleep- in- the- morning (and have a little nightmare) or lying to myself in all the treacherous ways my mind can find regarding the last cycle from my life finding all those things that i hate, don’t help too much in the end, honestly.. Because i know what i know and she knows what she knows.
I guess nobody takes the pain away and there are no proper words to make you feel better when the catastrophe falls on you. Nobody knows how you feel and there might take a long time to be able to get up again.. but in the end we do do that, even if at night it all may come back to you with the same intensity as it was in the original moment, even if you fall asleep with tears in your eyes.. Nothing lasts forever – that is already known, adjourned and experienced. Not even pain. And i will be waiting for this..
Loneliness is good.
(Balls, who am i fooling around here..?!)
I miss you so much..